Freedom is right around the corner!

Here I am, sitting (rotting) in this house for the last night, wasting away watching pointless TV, being polluted by toxic dog breath, and I’ve never been more excited about anything as I am about being done with this job tomorrow. I’m more excited than when I turned 21, than the night before I went to Europe for 6 weeks, than I probably will be on the day of the birth of my first child. I don’t even have words to tell you how horrible this experience has been. I’m too excited to sleep tonight.

Here are a couple of reasons why I have contemplated jumping off the nearest cliff over the past week:

1.     These dogs are breathing on me and panting on me and all around me at all times, during every moment of every second that I am in this house. If I didn’t close the door while using the restroom, they’d probably jump in the toilet to be a part of the experience. I can’t deal with this. I need personal space and personal air to inhale.

2.     Walking them is torture, and they get walked TWICE a day. I’ve come to learn how important it is for dogs to exercise their bodies AND their minds on their walks. However, that doesn’t mean that they need to sniff and/or pee on every bush/stump/fence/blade of grass/electric box/inch of curb/etc.  It also does not mean that they are granted two poops per walk per dog. I’m not into that. Finally, they walk me, and there is absolutely no changing that. I’ve looked on the Dog Whisperer website. I’ve tried those tricks. It is perhaps one of the most stressful things I’ve done in recent times.

3.     You can’t pet them. The blond dog goes into what seems like a sexual frenzy, which really disturbs me, and the brown one tries to lick all of me with its big, slobbery tongue.  Once you pet one, the other is instantly at your fingertips. They just don’t act normal at all.

4.     They wake me up every 3 hours of the night including but not limited to 12:40am, 3:30am, 4:50am. You get the point. 100% not ok with me. Ask Joe, I am not a friendly human when I am disturbed from my slumber.

5.     This house is not clean. I want my own dirtiness of my own room. For instance, there are puked on baby bibs lurking in the depths of the closets. How long have they been there? Your guess is as good as mine. I found condiments expired in 2009 in the refridge. Why? Hoarding is my best guess. They left dirty dishes in the sink when they left for vacation only to tell me to wash the ones I use because of bugs. Righto!

6.     I feel like I am very distant from all reality being so far away. 1hour and 45min public transport ride during morning rush hour. YAY!

7.     A MASSIVE INSECT JUST JUMPED OUT OF NOWHERE AT ME!!!! I leapt up onto the couch like the floor caught fire, hoping it would die from my stares. Well when it didn’t, I went on a chase. The bug got the best of me at first, jumping around like it was the Easter Bunny. Then, I got smart about it. Guess who couldn’t out jump the fly swatter?

You know, I probably seem like a real big grumpy complainer right now, but you must understand…. I like dogs. A lot. So I feel really taken aback by how I feel about this situation. Modge keeps telling me this is how dogs are. This is not how dogs are. Charger and Missy were not this ridic. This is how ridiculous, untrained dogs are, but this is not how all dogs are. I’m convinced.

In the past, I have been heard saying I want four whole dogs at once. Well, I might as well have been smoking the crack pipe too because what the hell?? One dog that is loving and well behaved will be plenty for me when I have the time to take care of it and the resources to provide it a good life, but I certainly do not want to be tied down to that right now. I don’t want to have to race home after work to let the dog out; meanwhile my friends are at happy hour or watching college football. I’m just not mature enough for that life right now.

On to happier timez…..

So, I’m not sure why I waited so long to get a waitressing job. I reallyyyy like it! It is entertaining, and keeps me on the move mentally and physically. We have great chefs who make the food look fabulous, and I really like the people I work with so far. AND there is a super hot guy that works with me who I am trying not to become infatuated with because he definitely seems like bad news bears.  

PSA ****Everyone please pray to your gods that I land a boyfriend in the near future. This cannot go on forever.****

There are a lot of the people giving me the confidence I need to succeed which is nice to know that they believe I can do it. I’ve heard several times that I have the common sense but need the training, and I like that they took a risk on me. They let me ask questions and give me detailed answers. They really appreciate that I want to learn.

Today, I got a really interesting lesson on vodka. Before I spill the beans, could someone please tell me why they think Grey Goose is the most expensive vodka?

Here let me tell you because I know why. 

It’s certainly not because of the alcohol content. The house vodka (cheap, possibly nail polish remover) and Grey Goose are both 80 proof. It is definitely not because of the taste. Sure GG goes down smoother when not mixed with anything, but how many people do you know that take straight shots to the head?? The answer is not all OU freshmen. You don’t know anyone who prefers a shot of vodka to all other alcoholic dranks because that is disgusting. I tried and struggled to swallow all 3 vodkas unmixed with another beverage. I tried them all mixed with tonic. Guess what? They all tasted exactly the same.

So why Grey Goose?  Because you are a rich douche bag that wants to flaunt your money and give it to the poor starving waitress? Good answer. At our restaurant, GG is 10 dollhairs, house is 5. And now you know.

…….But when you come visit me at work, go ahead and buy the real shit cuz I’m still the broke joke college grad struggling in the big city.

I’m going in tomorrow to learn all about whisky so I’ll report back on my findings! Stay tuned!

I've been reduced to Lifetime television and a couch.

Earlier this week, I was really excited about my babysitting and dog sitting jobs. I’ve only been in DC for two weeks, and I nailed down three jobs. Something to be proud of right??? I felt like I was on the way to starting my sitting business—like an entrepreneur! For a brief second, just like not even a full thought, I considered being a sitter for the rest of my life instead of pursuing other avenues of work that would fit my education more closely. Sort of like my childhood business “You buy, we wrap” – “You birth, I watch.” Anyways, that thought dissolved into thin air when I remembered I have parents who would kill me if I did that.

Fortunately, babysitting went really well. The little girl, Davis (Modge told me that is a male dog name), was happy and cute like my niece Coco. She gave me a big hug after her bath, and all was gravy. However, after putting her to bed, I ran into a minor problem when I went to pee in their bathroom. I discovered that someone, probably not the 1-year-old Davis and DEFINITELY not me, clogged the toilet.

It was really bad, like an explosion bad. So, I grabbed the plunger and went to work—maybe my true calling?? The toilet flushed and I thought I was in the clear. Not so much. Whoever had the digestive issues, let them sit and harden all over the bowl. You all know what kind of experience I’m talking about.

I obviously went on an absolute hunt for a toilet brush because I did not want these people to think I took an epic dump in their pot. And with my luck, there was no toilet brush under any sink, in any closet, or next to any toilet. Cool. 

I’m not sure what any of you would do if you came home to see a bunch of skid marks in the toilet after your babysitter sat there all night, but I know I would immediately assume the sitter dropped the bomb. Clearly, I did not want that to happen. I put some TP in the bowl, put the plunger on top of it, and scrubbed it around until the problem was solved. The night ended well with a payment of $70, quite generous for 4 hours of babysitting if I do say so myself! I’m starting to reconsider my babysitter biZnAs$.

Unfortunately, the dog sitting has not been as successful as the babysitting. These hippos each weigh over 100lbs, and are hyperactive with separation anxiety, so please just imagine how my last 4 days have gone.

I tried to take the dogs to my apartment on Saturday morning because I was supposed to watch them at my house. Well, someone, not naming any names, wasn’t honest about their dogs’ behavior issues….

Brady barks at me almost all the time, mostly in excitement and sometimes because I think he is scared, although I’m not really ever sure what his deal is. It is ear piercing, and endless. And Elway cries like he is being tortured and killed when I leave him alone. I’m not kidding, I could hear him crying from across the street a block away. My right ear definitely has permanent damage.

Brady ^, Elway v

Massive creature. Similar in size to a blue whale. 

Now with this kind of bad behavior, I obviously couldn’t have these dogs in my apartment in the city with neighbors that I share walls with. In fact, I would be pissed if I was the occupants of the neighboring houses to these people, separated like a normal neighborhood, because these dogs are SO loud. It is seriously indescribable. All this makes me wonder, what the hell this lady was thinking leaving her beasts with me knowing they were supposed to come into the city??? #delusional

In conclusion, I am staying at this random persons house watching TV for 18hours of the day walking dogs because I can’t have them at my place. I’m afraid to leave the couch for several reasons: 1) The dogs stand up every single time I stand up and follow me to my destination, licking my pants and barking at me the whole way. It is like "Simon Says," but Simon doesn't say in this situation. 2) With all the rules that have been dictated to me, I feel that if I use one sheet of TP too many, the lady will make me pay for it. 3) I do not know them at all, their neighborhood at all, and anything about this house at all so I really don’t feel comfortable being upstairs where I can’t see the front door just in case I have to run like the house is on fire.

I have gotten plenty of passive aggressive emails telling me: Don’t use the car too much, but if you do refill the gas, but the car is there for you to use! Make yourself at home, the vacuum is in the closet next to the stairs if you feel like things are getting too hairy and please wash the dishes you use. Sorry there is no food for you! Sorry for causing you stress! We would have asked someone else to do it if we knew it would cause you so much stress!!! Sorry!

FYI: I WOULDN'T HAVE AGREED TO THIS IF I KNEW THE KIND OF STRESS THAT WOULD BE CAUSED LADY!!!!!

I constantly feel like they are watching me somehow and took inventory of everything in their house even though they didn’t know I was staying here before they left. The neighbors and friends are checking in on me. It just feels like Big Brother has the house on lock down.

Today, I did use the car to go to target and rolled the window all the way down (trying to save gas money by using natural air and not AC). She didn’t tell me when she was giving me all the rules that once the car window is down, the car window does not go up. Fan-freaking-tastic! I shook the window and yanked it up until I got the job down. I’m considering changing my name to MacGyver.

I’m just really over this dog-sitting job, and very excited to drive into the city tomorrow to wait for the cable man and to do laundry. I realize I probably wouldn’t be doing anything anyway if I were at my own apartment since waitressing doesn’t start until Wednesday, but this situation is too much. Sunday can’t come soon enough! 

Wash DC lovin

How pretty is my city??????? : ) 

This is the beginning of the best thing you will ever read. Ever.

Haii errybody! I recently decided to have a blog documenting my life (how interesting right???) rather than my highly exciting adventures in Europe. This blog is going to be geared towards the workings of my inner brains, highlights of things I find interesting/funny/happy/sad/weird/all the above, and much, much more—obviously, all the things you are dying to read about!You’re most likely saying to yourself, “Thank God someone finally had the genius idea to get inside Erin's head, to write about her thoughts!”

I may not update this blog as frequently, or maybe more frequently, than the Euro adventures blog, but I’m definitely planning on using it as a creative outlet. Lately, I’ve been dying to be creative, so here is where it all begins! Feel free to be an avid fan, a fair weather reader, or hopped up on the haterade of my blog.  However, if you’re a hater, talk to the hand cuz the face ain’t listenin. No matter which reader you are, please remember that I am a sarcastic, often blunt, real human, and I don’t plan to hold back my views, opinions, or sense of humor to avoid offense.

And now, for my avid fans out there, hereeee weeee goooooo!!!!!!

For those of you who don’t know, I went to San Diego (a last minute decision) this past weekend for a family wedding. I did not tell my mother, whom I will refer to as Modge from this point forward, about my plans to surprise her. Despite my good intentions, I wasn’t sure how much of a surprise it would be after her many lectures as to why not to buy a plane ticket as a 'broke joke' recent college grad. Let’s just say, she was previously not enthusiastic about the idea of me participating in the weekend festividads. However, due to peer pressure from my step-dad (encouragement and a generous monetary donation), I went through with the purchase.  

It is highly possible that I instantly developed chronic high blood pressure, stress induced ulcers and/or digestive problems, and an anxiety disorder the moment I bought my ticket. I swear to you, I considered not getting on the plane all the way until my zone was called for boarding—just casually missing my flight. Nbd (for all you old peeps, that means No Big Deal). You know, how you would think that’s logical after spending a fortune on a cross-country plane ticket right???

Now, you may be asking yourself, “Why the fear of Modge?” because many of you know her as the loving, gentle, kind human that she is. However, many of you don’t know the Modge that is not afraid to let you know she is VERY disappointed in you when you eff up. And, obviously, I didn’t want to feel her wrath all weekend in sunny San Diego…and for months to come.

I actually kept thinking that she was going to be so angry with me that she would never forgive me…..ever.  In fact, I kept replaying the time I spilled bright red nail polish on the landlord beige carpet story in my head, recounting her potential for pissed-ness. In case you don’t know that story, just imagine crashing Kanye West’s brand new Rolls Royce into a telephone poll, or perhaps accidentally letting a candle burn down the White House.

Anyways, when I went to knock on the door of my mother’s hotel room to see her for the first time, I stood outside for about 3 minutes and told myself, “Ok, you can knock on the door, or you can get the hell out of here and act like you never existed in San Diego....MAKE A DECISION. GO WITH OPTION TWO. RUN LIKE HELL.”

Luckily, events did not play out like the remake of Texas Chainsaw Massacre, and she was thrilled and delighted to see her really cool and fun and awesome daughter. I sat next to my mom for at least an entire minute before she realized I was sitting there on the balcony, all the while she was telling my grandma how she felt bad that I wasn’t there—that it was even her fault! HER FAULT! WHAT A RELIEF. As I took my first breath in nearly 2 weeks, I realized that this weekend was going to be a blast.

And, it was SO much fun! San Diego is such a cool place with so much to do and see, and being with family was reallyyyy great!! It was truly a weekend I’ll never forget.

I decided to write my blog on my flight to Washington, DC, my new home, because I got a sort of empty feeling as we flew away from the San Diego airport.

I’m having a hard time describing why I felt a little blue. I’ve had this huge exciting move and a trip to San Diego all in one week. Anyone should be feeling high on life (don’t get me wrong, I am certainly high on life). But flying home to the unknown seems somewhat intimidating and very uncomfortable. I haven’t established myself and my life in DC...YET.  I don’t have the comforts and obvious love of all my family and close friends that I have at my real home in Ohio and that I did have in San Diego...YET. I don’t have my routine and my place…YET.

While I am excited and ready to start my adult life in DC, I can’t help but wish I had all my family and friends here with me. As cheesy as it sounds, I will miss all the love in the air, and the comforts of being around the people that care about me. But I am so determined to make my niche here in this pretty city! I am going to find my comfort, and make this place my home away from Ohio home : ) 

**I wrote this on the plane home from San Diego on Monday night. It is Friday now, and finally being posted!**

Things are evolving dramatically! I got a babysitting, petsitting, and waitressing job all in a matter of days. Totally insane, but so exciting. I am very tired of sitting at home piddling around. It is like I am the stay at home wife/mother and Ashton is the husband out working in corporate America with all the business peeps and politicians. AND IT SUCKS. I think I've predetermined that I'm not cut out for stay at home mother duties, but I guess I'll revisit that subject when the time is right. By the time being right, I mean years from now. I guess I can just say right now, I admire women who do stay at home and do the household shiz, but I have been so so so bored every single day and just can't wait until my husband gets home so I have someone to talk to again. Everyone is at work but me. Thank god I start a job next Wed!

I'm going to wrap this up by letting you all know that I may or may not have frostbite on my toesies in this Starbucks, and I have got to get out of here before my body goes into hypothermic shock. Thanks for following, and look forward to updating you on my life as I know it.